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  I didn’t fuck them though. My first encounter of sex made me never want to do that again. I avoided my mother’s Johns at all costs after that night. Taking care of myself became my motto, and my way of living. I saw very little of my mother after that. I often wonder if she even realized I was gone. I try not to think about that. I try not to think about a lot of stuff. Except, at night when I’m in my bed, the lights are off, and all I am left with are my thoughts and memories, I can’t help but wonder…what if?

  *S*

  Lifelong- lasting or continuing through all or much of one's life. That was what Julia was to me. I knew she would always be in my life. I knew that all my life. I don’t know how to even explain it. I just knew it.

  One could say that growing up the only child would be difficult, especially if you were a boy. You need someone to rough house with, play video games, talk to girls about, climb trees, and build stuff. You know, typical boy stuff.

  My parents didn’t really want to have any children, and my mom likes to say that I was an amazing surprise. I wasn’t, I know that I was an accident. Don’t get me wrong, they are great parents. Always gave me what I wanted, extremely supportive, very loving and caring people. My home life was wonderful. My mom was a registered nurse, and as soon as she had me she quit and became a stay at home mom. My dad was a doctor. They actually met in college, my dad was a senior, about to get accepted into medical school and my mom was a freshman. My mother realized she had a love for healing people when she met my dad. They worked together for two years before I ‘surprised’ them.

  They had lots of friends, given that my dad was an active member of the community. He’s one of the top rated cardiologists in Miami, people would fly from all different states just to see him. I look a lot like my father we both have blonde hair that we keep in a messy hairstyle, blue eyes, slender yet distinguished facial features, and a boyish Colgate smile, like my mom calls it. My parents’ best friends lived in our neighborhood. Beth and my mom have known each other since high school. Her husband David is also a doctor, and my dad actually introduced David to Beth when he and my mom started dating.

  David and Beth had baby girl named Julia. Naturally, Beth stopped working when they had Julia; Beth and my mom were always on the same wavelength. I am two years older than Julia, and have known her since the day that she was born. Obviously, I don’t remember it, my parents said that the day she was born I was one of the first people to hold her, and that I gave her our first kiss right on the lips. I called her my baby and from then on everyone just nicknamed her, Babygirl.

  One of Julia’s first words was my name, she couldn’t say Sebastian, and ended up saying Sebby. She has called me that ever since. Julia and I did everything together, and when I say everything I mean everything. From taking baths together, to sleep overs, lemonade stands, Sunday school, playing house (which she insisted), summer camps, swimming, playing board games, Legos; you name it we did it. She was like a boy only she smelled good and had long hair. She was my yin to my yang, the peanut butter to my jelly, the milk to my Oreos, and the hot fudge to my ice cream.

  I love to take credit for teaching Julia everything she knows, no seriously…I showed her how to walk, ride a bike, swim, color in the lines, read, catch bugs, make mud pies and cuss. What? I was a boy. She loved to think that she is the reason that I am understanding, sensitive, loving, smart, witty and funny. Babygirl is a lot of things, and witty and funny are not one of them, I always laugh at her for trying. She still hasn’t got onto the part that I’m usually laughing at her and not with her.

  We had a pretty normal upbringing, like I said before, my parents only wanted me, now Julia’s parents were another story. After they had Julia, they tried to have another child almost immediately. Being so young I never understood what was going on, as I got older I would overhear Beth crying to my mom that her ‘friend’ came again. I wasn’t sure what that meant at the time, only that it usually happened once a month.

  Growing up together seemed normal to me. Our parents were always doing things together; barbeques, vacations, dinners, birthdays, every celebration was spent together. I pretty much saw Julia everyday. Her parents were like my second parents and vice versa, our parents had a running theme that we would end up together. Our mothers were practically planning our wedding from the day she was born.

  When she was six and I was eight our dads built us a tree house in her backyard. It had taken them almost a month to finish it. I had brought over lots of toys and games for us to play with one afternoon. I had climbed the last step of the ladder before I abruptly stopped from all the pink and purple splattered everywhere. A pink comforter with fluffy pinker looking pillows were in the corner, a table with a purple cloth and tea cup set was on the opposite side, her play kitchen was set up in the middle, and a weird fuzzy looking rug was right at the entrance. She even went as far as putting her dolls and stuffed animals in random places.

  “Surprise!” Julia yelled. “Do you love it?”

  “Wow, what did you do?” I questioned.

  “I made us a home. Isn’t it lovely?” She sighed contentedly. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “Babygirl…why did you do this?”

  “What do you mean…I’m nesting.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I don’t know, my mom said that’s what I was doing, I thought you would know.”

  I could see how excited she was, and I didn’t want to ruin it for her, but this was not what I had envisioned.

  “I thought we were going to do this together?” I suggested.

  “I know, that’s why I said “surprise!” She shouted with her arms in the air.

  “You don’t like it?” She whispered, bowing her head.

  “I didn’t say that, it’s just I thought it was going to be more like a fort. You know, a place where we could hang out and play. Not so much “this.” I explained pointing around me.

  “We can still do all that, we can just scoot some things over. We can make room for your things and mine. You know I’ll share with you.”

  “Okay…how about we do that right now. And, maybe, we can tone down the pink and purple, maybe some black and blue?” I pleaded.

  She shrugged her shoulders, “okay.”

  We spent the next hour moving things around to make room for my stuff. We agreed that the comforter and rug could stay, however, the kitchen and teacup set was axed.

  “Are you upset with me?” I asked.

  “No, I’m not upset. Just, sometimes, I wish I had a sister.”

  “I know.” I hated to see Julia upset; I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. I know she put a lot of time and effort to make our fort special. I cheered her up by playing house that afternoon. Julia loved to play house, she was the mom and I was the dad, and her baby dolls were our kids. There wasn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for her, even at the young age of eight.

  You could say that it was a little strange that my best friend consisted of a girl. I mean, I was a boy I still needed to hang out with other guys. I hung out with Andrew Jones sometimes, only when Julia was away with her family. On the rare occasions when I wasn’t with her, I would hang out with Andrew.

  Andrews’s friendship and mine abruptly ended one afternoon when I was pushing Julia on her backyard swing. I had slipped and called Julia, Babygirl in front of him. He made fun of my pet name for her. The older I became, the more aware I was about calling her Babygirl around people. I couldn’t help it. She was my Babygirl, always and forever.

  The best and most memorable times were when she would smile; I loved Julia’s smiles. She’s beautiful, her blue eyes, long wavy blonde hair, thick eyelashes, and high cheekbones with delicate facial features. There’s a tiny beauty mark on the right side of her nose, and her bottom lip is thicker than her top.

  You could definitely tell that Julia's best friend was a boy. She was tougher than nails. If Julia cried, she had reason to cry. If she did cry, it was becaus

e she was hurt, like the time she stepped on a bee, or when she was running too fast down the stairs and tripped and broke her arm. That was a good one; she milked that injury for everything it was worth. I spent the next month catering to her every want and need; from playing Barbie dolls to dress up.

  Now don’t think Babygirl and I didn’t have our spats. She could get mad over the stupidest stuff. I remember once when she was maybe eight and I was ten. I was over at her house, because I didn’t want to get groceries with my mom. She wanted to watch The Little Mermaid for the tenth time and I wanted to watch X-Men. I was only joking. I turned it to X-Men and she screamed at the top of her lungs.

  Her dad came in, and asked what was going on. Julia lied. She told him that I pushed her, and I had to sit on the steps for ten minutes. Every time I looked over towards her, she stuck her tongue out and smirked. I wasn’t going to be her friend anymore. I was going to find a new best friend.

  As soon as her dad had finished lecturing me about hitting girls, and told me that I could go play. I made sure she knew it.

  “I’m not your friend anymore. You’re a dumb girl, I hate you” I said, quietly not wanting her dad to hear me call her a dumb girl. I probably would have had another timeout.

  Julia’s bottom lip quivered, followed by her big watery tears.

  “I’m sorry, Babygirl. You’re still my friend,” I promised, changing my tune. I hated to see her cry. It did something to my insides that I couldn’t explain.

  “Am I your best friend?” she asked.

  “Yes, you’re always going to be my best friend.”

  We fought about other things too, mostly dumb things, like whether we were playing house or cops and robbers, Connect four or Chutes and Ladders, swimming or riding bikes. Needless to say, Julia usually won. It was hard for me to say no to her.

  Her parents continued to try for a baby for most of our childhood. A few weeks after Julia turned nine, she told me that they were going to get her a sibling from a special place where parents went to get kids who didn’t have a home.

  “I don’t understand how they can do that, Babygirl? Do they buy a boy or a girl like you buy groceries?” I asked curiously.

  “That’s not what daddy said, it was more like applying for one. It’s called adoption. I guess they have to do all this paperwork stuff, and then we have to wait for someone to call us, or something like that.” She replied.

  “How long does it take for them to call you?”

  “I don’t know, he said it took longer for a baby. I told them that I don’t want a baby. I want someone close to our age so that they can play with us. What would we do with a baby, Sebby? It would be boring. Oh, and that I want a sister.”

  “Yeah, that makes sense. What did they say?”

  “They said that it was my decision too, and that they also wanted someone to grow up with us, now we just have to wait.”

  Julia and I continued in our normal routine for the next year. Julia and her parents were thrilled. They had been scouting agencies to find the perfect one and they had finally found one.

  “Sebby!” Julia yelled. “Sebastian…Sebastian…Wait for me! You’re going too fast. I can’t pedal as fast as you!” She shouted. I slowed down my pedaling for her to catch up.

  “You’re such a slow poke, Jules.” I teased her. “I’ve taught you how to go faster. You need to hold your butt in the air and power your legs. I can’t keep your pace. My legs are too long.” I explained.

  She tilted her head to the side. “Well…that’s not fair, Sebby. You’re a boy and I’m a girl. I’m never going to be as big as you. What are we going to do when you turn twelve next month? I just turned ten, and you’re only going to get bigger.” She muttered. “Your dad is so huge it hurts my neck every time I have to look at him.”

  “Babygirl, you know I hate it when you whine like that. We will figure it out like we always do, stop worrying.”

  She sighed. “I’m not whining. You just don’t understand what it’s like to be a girl, Sebby.” She argued, sticking her tongue out at me. I swear that girl stuck her tongue out at me more than I could count.

  “You’re right, I don’t understand.” I retorted. “That’s why you’re getting a baby sister. Now I’ll have two baby girls I’ll have to look out for.” I smiled and looked back at her face, she looked upset. Ouch, I didn’t mean for it to hurt. I was only teasing her.

  “You know you’ll always be my number one girl, Jules,” I reverted. She gave me a huge smile. I hated to see my Babygirl sad.

  “What’s going on with that adoption process anyways? I thought she was supposed to be here by now.” I asked.

  “I don’t know…Mommy says that good things come to those who wait, Sebby. So that’s what I’m doing…I’m waiting.” She replied, matter-of-factly.

  “Where are we going anyways?” She asked.

  “Just keep peddling, it’s a surprise!” I yelled, as I peddled faster.

  “Oh man....you are going too fast again!” She hollered.

  I saw her lift her butt in the air and pedal her tiny little legs as fast as she could. I couldn’t wait to surprise her. She was going to love this. Julia’s laughs and smiles were the best. I tried to make them come out as much as I could. We finally arrived at our destination fifteen minutes later. I knew we were a little ways from home, and it was all right. I would take care of Julia. I would never let anything happen to her. I reached the newly found spot before she did, posted my bike on a tree, and turned, just in time to see Julia approach. She was all sweaty and flushed.

  “Phew!! Holy crap, Sebby that took forever, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to pedal back.” She worried.

  I pulled back all the pieces of her hair that fell in her face. “It’s okay, Babygirl, you can jump on the back of my bike and I’ll ride us back.”

  “What about my bike?” She asked. She had just gotten a new hot pink bike with even brighter pink tassels that summer. I knew she wasn’t ready to part with it yet.

  I helped her off her bike and parked it against mine.

  “We’ll lock it up on the tree. I’ll have my dad come back and get it with us. Or…we could leave it here, and come back for it tomorrow. I have a feeling you’ll want to come here a lot this summer.” She agreed with a slanted smile and a nod.

  I placed her hand in mine, and walked her back to my surprise. I made sure to walk in front of her. The trail was a bit daring for Jules, I knew she would do it. Jules never said no to anything.

  “Be careful, Babygirl, step where I step okay,” I cautioned, leading the way through the rough terrain.

  As we approached my surprise, I looked back at her. I wanted nothing more than to see her face. Her eyes sparkled, and her face glowed with a gigantic smile.

  “Oh my God, Sebby!” She shrieked. “You found us a waterhole? How did you find this?”

  Growing up in Fort Lauderdale could be a pain. There never seemed to be that many kid friendly things to do.

  “I found it last weekend, when you were with your parents at the adoption place. I haven’t seen any other kids, so I think it could be just ours. I added that tire swing for you.” I bragged, proud of the fact.

  “Is it very deep? You know I’m not that great of a swimmer, like you.” She protested. I knew Julia better than I knew myself.

  “You aren’t that bad of a swimmer, for being such a shrimp.” I laughed.

  She crossed her arms over her chest. Wait for it. Wait for it. There it is; the tongue again.

  “Hey…I’m not a shrimp, you’re just a bean pole!” She laughed. It really wasn’t as funny as what she made it out to be. I wasn’t laughing at her comeback. I was laughing, because she was laughing so hard at her comeback. I think she found it epic or something, like she pulled one over on me.

  I walked over to my backpack and pulled out a bright pink floatie with purple circles on it. I waved it in the air, teasingly.

  “You brought me a floatie!” She shouted, running up

to me and jumping on me like a leech.

  “I love you, Sebby!”

  “I love you, too, Babygirl.”

  That, I’m sure was a little strange too. I didn’t care though. I loved her, and she loved me. That I’m sure of it. Though I became cautious of saying that too, not wanting the wrong people to hear Julia and me say that we loved each other. They wouldn’t understand.

  Chapter 2

  One of my not so fondest memories was being in a playground. I don’t know how old I was, I know that the feeling I had was frightening. I was by myself, and I was looking for my mother. I kept saying her name over and over again. “Momma, momma, where are you? I scared momma…” I don’t know how long I called and cried for her, but I know eventually she did find me, or maybe it was more like I found her. She was behind some trees that were in the back far end of the playground. She wasn’t supposed to be in that section. The sign said so. I couldn’t read it, I remember a boy losing a ball that had rolled into the seclusion once. When I told him to go get it, he informed me that the sign said he wasn’t allowed. He would go to jail. I was afraid my mom was going to go to jail.

  I hesitated at the edge, hearing a man say, “Aren’t you gonna answer the kid?” she responded with “No, just make it fast. I can see her.” I couldn’t really see her, although I could see that her skirt was hiked up, and her legs were around his waist.

  She took me home that day and put me to bed in my dirty, smelly clothes. I think I might have had a sandwich or something, except I still remember going to bed hungry. I remember going to bed hungry lots of nights.

  The years that followed were much of the same, me looking for my mother, while she ‘worked’. She described to me years later, that this was her job, that this was how she provided food and clothing. At the time, I remember thinking What food? What clothing? I sure as hell never saw either. Nevertheless, I kept my mouth shut like I often did. I never responded to what my mother would say. I became a really good listener, and by that I mean, I usually tuned her out and stayed away from our house as much as possible.