Page 6 of Beyond Reason (Lost Kings MC 9)

  My stomach drops. “What do you mean?” I ask in a low voice.

  “He said ‘my behavior’ insulted him in his own clubhouse.”

  “What?” Even as a fucking kid I was able to sense something off about my mother’s boyfriend and did everything I could to protect my sister. A grown fucking man blamed his niece for what happened under his roof? When he should’ve protected her? I can’t fucking wrap my head around it.

  After my family shut me down, ignored what happened to me, and expected me to do the same, I wanted to keep that pain locked down. I never tried to talk about it with anyone I cared about again.

  Until now.

  Until Marcel.

  The weight of his gaze rests on me. His anger, his compassion, all of it flickers over his face, but he remains calm. Silent.

  “Go on,” he finally says.

  “That’s it. There’s nothing else to tell.”

  “Merlin did nothing?”

  “He didn’t want to bring attention to my fuck-up.” My hands ball up into fists in my lap. “He said, since I couldn’t remember what happened, maybe I enjoyed it. Or even initiated it.”

  “Initiated it?”

  I shrug. “He said to get over it and move on with my life. Maybe be more careful next time.”

  “What a fucking piece of shit.” He stands and paces. “Does Carter know?”

  “I never told him. He was still in high school. But I think he always suspected something. You’ve seen how impulsive he can be. I didn’t want him doing something stupid and getting hurt.”

  And I was ashamed. I couldn’t burden my little brother with something so ugly. But I leave that part out.

  “What about your mother? Did you tell her?”

  “Yes,” I whisper. “She said ‘what did you expect?’ And—” I swallow hard and force out the final knife my mother lodged in my heart that day “—maybe if I wasn’t so uptight a guy wouldn’t have to drug me to fuck me.”

  “Jesus Christ.” His mouth opens as if he has more to say, but instead, he shakes his head. “She blamed you.”

  “I know that sounds unbelievable, that no mother would say that to her daughter—”

  He shakes his head. “No, it really doesn’t.”

  The honesty between us is too much. Too brutal, and I turn away.

  “I felt completely helpless. This horrible thing had happened and no one believed me. No one cared. I only remembered these tiny, horrifying fragments of that night and couldn’t talk to anyone about it.”

  “What’d you do?”

  “I stayed far away from the club. Told Chuck not to bother paying my tuition anymore. That I didn’t need his assistance and I wouldn’t be working for the club. Ever.”

  “You said that to him?”

  “Damn right I did. Told him I’d pay him back every penny once I had a job and he agreed.”

  “I’m surprised he let you go that easy.”

  “I always assumed he felt guilty.”

  Teller snorts.

  “Anyway, I went back to school furious. Switched my concentration to family law. Dropped and added classes the first day of the semester. Then I shoved it out of my mind. Buried myself in school work.”

  “How long’d that last?”

  “Not long. By summer I started unraveling. I had more and more flashbacks and nightmares. I didn’t know if they were actual memories or my mind filling in the blanks, but I started drinking to block it all out.”

  “That why you don’t drink much now?”

  “Pretty much.” I hesitate, unsure if I want to continue revealing so much. “I hated myself. I couldn’t stand being in my own body. I didn’t know who had been inside it. What they had done. I felt contaminated,” I whisper.

  He nods, and the simple gesture gives me the courage to continue.

  “I started having random hook-ups. It gave me a sense of control. I chose who I wanted. Did what I wanted. Remembered every detail the next day.”

  His jaw works but the words he comes up with surprise me. “I understand.”

  “Can you? There’s not even a small part of you that’s bothered?”

  “Fuck no,” he answers immediately. “I’m the last person…No, I’m not bothered.”

  “I almost didn’t go back to school. But then, it felt too much like letting Chuck and my mother win if I dropped out.”

  “You pulled it together?”

  “Sort of. My third year was rough. Christmas was horrible. Every jolly Santa I saw triggered me into a fucking panic attack.”

  “Christ.” He runs his hand over the back of his neck a few times before facing me. His wild and haunted eyes hold me hostage, and I steel myself for the question he’s about to ask.

  “Do I? Have I ever done anything to…trigger you?”

  The word rolls off his tongue unnaturally as if he’s never used the word trigger in this context. Hell, I’m sure he hasn’t.

  I reach out and take his hand, needing the connection as much as I think he does. “No. Never,” I answer honestly. “Please, don’t see me any differently.”

  He stares at me for a moment. “I see you, Charlotte and I love everything I see.” My eyes water and he squeezes my hand. “Go on.”

  “I finally stopped cycling in and out of these unhealthy hook-ups and found a therapist. I stopped dating altogether and concentrated on working through everything, but my grades went to shit. I buckled down to study for the bar exam and managed to pass. Chuck had the nerve to come to my graduation and pretend that he was proud of me. Bragged to all his bros about helping me out. I wanted to kill him.”

  Maybe I should have left that last part out. Marcel looks ready to kill someone.

  “Since my grades were so bad my last year, I had trouble finding a job. I was so happy when I finally did so I could start paying my uncle back.”

  Marcel’s jaw tightens, but he doesn’t say anything.

  “That’s it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

  He works his hand over his chin and seems to be struggling for what to say. “When you were ready, you told me. Nothing you said changes how I feel about you. If anything, I…thank you for trusting me.”

  “I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in my life.” I swallow hard, thinking about the way my uncle’s acted over the last few weeks. “I wanted you to understand why if it comes down to my family or you, I choose you.” Christ, that sounded heavy. “Well, and Carter told me to pick you,” I say to lighten things up.

  A smile breaks the serious expression he’s been wearing. “Did he now?”

  “Yup, right before he left.”

  “See, I knew I liked that kid for a reason.”

  “Thank you for always being so good to him. For sticking up for him.”

  “He’s important to you, he’s important to me. I don’t dislike him. He could use a good ass-kicking once in a while, though.”

  I can’t help laughing.

  “Come here,” he says, curling his hand around the back of my neck. He pulls me closer until I’m kneeling next to him on the couch. “You need to understand something. I’m here for you. I’m on your side. Always.”

  “No one…I’ve never really felt that before. No one has ever been there just for me.”

  He heaves in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I’ve done so many things wrong, Charlotte. Hurt people I care about. Let them down. I don’t deserve to have you in my life. I’m scared I’ll fail you too.”

  He thinks he’s hard, that he’ll end up hurting me eventually.

  But he’s the kindest man I’ve ever known.

  “Anything else, Sunshine?” I ask after a few minutes.

  She sits up, teeth biting her bottom lip but doesn’t answer.

  “Your meltdown the other day. It was more than just your mom.” I’m guessing here, but I think I’m right.

  Her gaze slides to the floor.

  “Charlotte, look at me. Did something else happen?”

; Finally, she slowly nods. “Chuck threatened me. Told me not to bring you to the funeral.”

  “Motherfucker.” That dirty piece of shit is definitely going to ground. Taking him out requires time and planning though.

  And permission from my club.

  Unless Merlin comes at me first. Then I’m within my rights to shoot him, gut him, beat him to death. Whatever.

  Tonight, I’m not leaving Charlotte’s side.

  “I panicked. I knew if I told you, you’d go after him. I was afraid it would start trouble between your club and his. I didn’t want to be responsible for that.”

  I graze her chin with my fingers and tip her head back so she meets my eyes. “Please hear me when I say this, Charlotte. If I told any one of my brothers even half of this story, they’d be picking up a shovel to help me bury your uncle’s body.”

  “But—”

  “No. Don’t ever hide something because you’re worried about that. I’ll protect you. No matter what. Merlin can come at me all he wants. I’ll fuckin’ kill him.”

  “You won’t…you won’t tell your club this will you?”

  Eventually I’ll have to spill at least some of this to the club. First, they need to understand why she can be trusted. Second, I’ll need a good reason to call for a vote to put Merlin down.

  Oh, yeah. Murder’s on my mind.

  I answer her as truthfully as I can. “Not unless I have to.”

  Charlotte’s a smart woman who understands how things work in our world and what my answer means.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Marcel and I talk for hours. Well, mostly I talk, and he listens. Completely worn out, I end up falling asleep on the couch. At some point during the night, Marcel carries me to bed. He curls his body around mine, and that’s the last thing I remember.

  Opening the door to all that past pain leaves me feeling like a deflated balloon. Familiar waves of self-loathing crawl over my skin the next morning. The feeling that I’m forever tainted no matter what I do or how many children I help. Something I thought I’d left far behind.

  Tears prick my eyes even though my therapist warned me this could happen. Might happen if I ever found myself in a serious relationship.

  “What’s wrong?” Marcel rasps from beside me.

  “Nothing.” I turn to face him and goddamn is he beautiful. “Thank you for staying last night.”

  “You say that as if you think I’m ever gonna leave.”

  When I don’t respond quick enough, he sits up. “Charlotte?”

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  He gives me a lopsided smile. “I love you too.” He leans down to kiss me, and I wrap my arms around his neck, keeping him close.

  Nose to nose, our eyes meet and I almost cry with relief at the desire shimmering in the teal blue depths.

  Still, he seems cautious.

  Slow and gentle our lips meet.

  “Marcel?”

  “What do you need?”

  I need you to still want me.

  “You.”

  “I’m right here.”

  I shift, arching my back and he finally seems to get it. He slides his hand up and under my shirt, kissing my skin as he bares it. “Where do you need me?”

  “Inside me.”

  A low growl works out of his throat as he strips my shirt off the rest of the way and wrestles my flannel pants down my legs. I’m just as frantic, pushing his boxers over his hips.

  His eyes burn with a need as urgent as mine. The hard press of his body settles against me.

  Eager for him, I wrap my legs around his waist.

  He stops to give me a maddeningly slow kiss. I moan and arch my back, hungry for more. I trail my fingers down his chest and stroke his cock.

  His eyes open, staring down at me.

  Guiding him to me, I rub the hot head of his cock through my wetness.

  Our eyes lock. “Take me,” he urges.

  I run my hand over him again, and he flexes his hips, pushing himself into me with agonizing slowness.

  “Finally,” I breathe out.

  He chuckles against my neck. “Impatient this morning?”

  I tilt my hips, inviting him deeper. “Harder.”

  Instead of harder, he pulls out, and I moan. “Nooo. What are you doing?”

  “Shh.” He trails kisses down my neck over my breasts, down my stomach. “Should’ve done this first,” he murmurs against my skin.

  Finally he settles between my legs. “Open for me.”

  He waits patiently and hums his approval when I dig my heels into the mattress and lift my hips.

  The worshipful way he stares at all of me.

  It’s everything.

  His thumbs rub against the edge of my inner thighs, driving my need higher. He skims his fingers down over my lips and I gasp.

  Over and over he strokes, kisses, massages, licks my most intimate places.

  He explores me with his tongue, placing his palms on my inner thighs and pushing them farther apart.

  Needing to hold on to something, I dig my fingers into my pillow.

  My head thrashes from side to side. “Holy…oh my God.” I come so hard I can’t catch my breath.

  His eyes find mine and he nuzzles his face against my core. “Love your pussy, Sunshine. Love your taste and how you feel wrapped around my cock.” He trails kisses higher, his tongue tracing a path over the crease of my thighs. His big hands grip my hips, kneading and claiming. “Love your legs. Especially wrapped around me.”

  His hands sweep over my stomach. He glances up, eyes full of heat. “Love your belly that’s going to carry our kids one day.”

  I gasp at the words…at the idea of a future with him and how right it feels. He doesn’t stop to elaborate. His hands brush over my ribs to cup both breasts. “Definitely love how perfectly these fit my hands.”

  My laughter turns into a contented sigh as he settles over my body, easing himself back inside me.

  I’m on fire. Beyond thought.

  In seconds, with a few simple touches and words, he’s obliterated every single one of my fears.

  His arms wrap around me, holding me tight, his face buried against my neck as he thrusts harder. Completely full and surrounded by his love, I slowly come undone. Wave after wave of bliss flow over me.

  “Harder,” I whisper.

  He grabs my hands, pushing them over my head, pinning me down. Pounding into me. “Like that? Is that what you need?”

  “Yes.”

  His breathing turns ragged. Our sweaty bodies slap together. My body pulses with pleasure.

  “Charlotte.” He groans, jerking into me. “Fuck.” He releases my hands, and grabs my hips, squeezing and holding until his entire body stills.

  He rolls to the side, pulling me with him, so I’m draped over his chest. Utterly boneless and content, I lay half on top of him, stroking my fingers over his hot, damp skin. He turns, watching me with affection and reverence in his eyes.

  Under his gaze, I feel naked. Stripped bare. He knows everything about me now and still loves me. I can see it. Feel it.

  “I love you,” he says as if he’d read my mind.

  “Love you too.”

  I do. I love Marcel beyond all reason. Trust him with everything.

  He intertwines our fingers, lifting and kissing the back of my hand.

  On the nightstand, his phone buzzes. He curses and twists to grab it.

  “Shit,” he says, reading the text and setting the phone back down.

  “Everything okay?” He hesitates to answer me and I think I know what’s coming. “Club business?”

  “All the guys are back and Rock wants us to sit down.”

  I brush my fingers over his cheek, trailing over his lips. “I’m okay. Really.” I don’t ever want him to feel like he has to make a choice between his club and me.

  Not because I think I’ll lose, but because I don’t want him to.

  I pat his chest and sit up. “Carter’s supposed to come ov

er for breakfast. I’ll be fine.”

  The fact that my brother will be over later seems to help him make his decision.

  “Shower with me first,” he says, tugging me out of bed.

  “Well, I can’t say no to that.” I pull out of his hold and dash into the living room. He follows me and runs his hands over my ass while I’m bending over, searching through my desk. I find the key and hold it out to him.

  “This belongs to you.”

  He accepts it with a smile that turns serious. “You’re not getting it back this time.”

  Thank fuck for the long drive to the clubhouse. It gives me time to think about how to handle this situation.

  Bikes are lined up along the stone wall when I pull into the parking lot.

  Everyone’s home.

  In the living room, brothers are clustered around Rock and Wrath.

  “Teller!” Rock calls out when he sees me. He gives me a side hug. “Where you been, knucklehead?”

  “Charlotte’s,” I answer, not caring if the guys razz me for being whipped.

  Rock nods as if he’s pleased to hear it.

  “Where’s Hope?”

  “At the house. She’ll be over in a little bit.”

  He gives Wrath the signal to herd everyone into the war room and I follow him inside.

  I haven’t been a total slacker while they were gone. I’ve got numbers that make everyone’s eyes bug out. Like a little bitch, I also tattle on Murphy by adding his winnings from the fight to the club’s pot.

  Wrath shakes his head but surprisingly stays quiet.

  Rock’s more vocal. Staring Murphy down, he asks, “You get this out of your system, now?”

  “Think so.”

  This time, Wrath shoots a glare at Murphy. “Watch your tone.”

  Z reports that he tracked down the two thieves and they won’t be an issue anymore. No one asks for further details.

  “Malik stop in to see you?” Rock asks.

  “Yeah, dude’s got a big fucking chip on his shoulder, but he could be useful to the club if he can lock down that attitude.”

  “Okay, keep me updated.”

  We run through a few more matters and before Rock ends the meeting I raise my hand.

  “I might have an issue I need the club’s help with.”