Page 212 of Filthy Feck
“I do.” I gently, cautiously,warily, reached out and let my fingers stroke through his hair. He tensed at first, released a soughing breath, swallowed roughly, and then sagged into me. I knew he was forcing himself not to react, so I cut it off there and let my hand retreat to his shoulder. “I wish I’d been around when you were a kid.”
“Why?”
“Because I’d have killed that priest before he even had the chance to look at you funny.”
“Why do I believe that?”
I hitched a shoulder. “Because you know it’s the truth.”
He grabbed my hand and returned it to his head. It was very awkward, enough that if it weren’t such a serious situation, I’d have snickered, but his intent was obvious.
With a care that I wasn’t known for, I stroked my fingers through the sable locks that felt like silk and love and non-verbal promises against my skin.
Because I knew it helped me when he talked to me, I whispered, “I know I have to atone, Conor, and I know I’m by no stretch of the imagination America’s greatest parent, but I really dislike your da.”
His tension broke some at my unexpected words. “Da didn’t care about being liked or disliked. He wanted your respect and your fear. Actually, I had it easier with him than the rest of my brothers.”
“Why?”
“He accepted I was different and that my gifts weren’t what he was used to dealing with,buthe learned quickly that I was good for padding out a bank account.”
“So he was a user.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yeah, but it was for the family.” He shuddered when I accidentally touched his ear. It wasn’t a good shudder. My hand whipped away, but he rasped, “No. I want to take this back, Star. You should—”
“I should, what?”
“He’s affected how I do things for too long.”
“Did I give you your first blow job?” When he tensed, I whispered, “You were very grateful. You never told me that—”
“I’m not a virgin,” he blurted out.
“Even if you were, it wouldn’t be a problem,” I replied easily.
“I’m not and I’ve never come that way.”
“Okay.”
“I’ve fucked but… I don’t… God, I’m going to sound like such an asshole.”
“I’m an asshole too. We can both be assholes together.”
His laughter sounded choked. “I used to hate jerking off. Until you.”
Startled, I blurted out, “Really?”
“Yeah. I have a high sex drive. I used to have a lot of one-night stands because I couldn’t just tug it in the shower to burn away some of my tension, you know?”
I didn’t know. But God, watching Conor doing that in the shower was definitely something I needed to see before I died.
“Yeah,” I croaked out.
“But then, after I met you, I didn’t want to fuck a hole. I just wanted you. So I had to get used to my hand and it worked. So I know I can do this, but it has to be you. Don’t stop.”
Biting my lip, I whispered, “You don’t need to do this so quickly. We can build up to it.”
“I’ve been building up to meeting you every day I’ve been on this planet, Star.”